Goodbye mum. Sorry.

I had a nice evening tonight, after work I met my Japanese exchange/teacher, I was doing ok, I actually managed to put some decent sentences together, seemed like I made sense, still a long way to go, but it's something. I suck at listening, once the pace picks up I'm lost. Then I left and went home, on the way home I ran into a girl I met a few weeks ago, she asked me if I wanted to go with her and her friends to some club, but I was feeling like a bit of a sloth, I stumbled for an excuse, but all I could say was "I'll call if I decide to come (since she gave me her number last time, but I never called), but don't wait for it." Then I got home and checked my email and found out my mum died today. Sorry to just throw it in so bluntly there, it's a shock for me too, I'm still not sure what's going on. Guess it means my plans will be changing, kind of hard to believe, well not kind of, it is, I thought she'd be around for years. I feel a bit bad about it, we hadn't spoken since I left Australia, not a word, not even an email, in nearly 3 months, I was pissed off at her, I've been mad at her for a few years. We kind of drifted apart, I think she saw too much of my dad in me, and passed on her resentment of him to me. I don't know why I was mad at her, it just built up over the years, she worked too hard, always, ever since we were young, she was always at work. I feel I was jealous when other people's mums paid too much attention to them, like my ex girlfriend, who spoke to her parents everyday, yet she seemed irritated about it, yet I was waiting for my phone call every 6 months or so, then I was too hostile to open up. I never knew what to say. Don't take things for granted, at least the last thing I did was give her a hug at the airport and say bye. I wasn't going to publish this, maybe it's wrong for me to write this here, but it still feels like a dream, I opened the email from my dad, and there it was, I walked around the room, read it a few times, thought maybe it was some kind of weird joke, maybe a dream or something. I have no permanent phone, so no one called me, I'm glad it was written in black and white though, better than being told there's something bad and I have to call now. Then I organised skype for a phone call, and it was reality. Death, it could happen to anyone at anytime, make sure you enjoy the moment.

Goodbye mum. Thanks for everything.

Stuff.

Yes it's time. So, where was I? It seems like winter has begun, an overnight sensation, it was warm yesterday morning, cold now, the weather. Yet again I've resigned from my job, this one looks more permanent, my visa for Denmark is ready, I'm going to collect it tomorrow. I expect a lot of people are saying "Why the fuck are you going there??" and yes, I'm saying it too, the closer it gets the more I start to wonder what I'm doing, it's that whole thing I think, it seems to happen before any major event in my life, anxiety, I start to realise how pleasant the status quo is, and begin to doubt my decisions. When you think about it, life is pretty easy here, I can eat out at anytime, I never really worry about money, and I only work 24 hours a week. Then at times I feel like it's stagnation, living here can at times be weird, it's maybe not reality, I feel ageless at times, like time is standing still or something, which is good and bad, guess I have to get back to the task of growing old. I can't imagine myself living here as an old dude, the amount of people starts to drive me nuts at times, but life is definitely better living where I live now, I don't have to catch the sardine train every night. These kind of changes are like milestones in life, I measure my story based on these shifts, every year has it's own theme, so if I think of an event I can tell what year it was in, yeah ramble. Except now I'm starting to get confused by things from my teens, what things happened in 1990, and what in 1991, they seem to blend together, but they were distinctly very different, different groups of friends and different obsessions. I was 13 in 1990 and we had the master plan to become ninjas, the best we managed to do was steal a few martial arts magazines and look at all the weapons we could buy if we had any more money than $2.50, and to run around in the night with balaclavas or socks tied round our faces while trying to do somersaults. Then that got old, and we had a slight pyromaniac phase, trying to blow up everything possible, making bolt bombs, or stealing any aerosol can possible and lighting it as a flame thrower, it was pretty cool. So I guess it's gonna be another rebirth, I wonder what the theme for the year will be, maybe Danish salami. I'm not expecting anything amazing to happen in Denmark, so that must be a good thing, if you have no expectations it can only improve, even if only slightly. I had no expectations for Japan, yet here I am trying to cut the roots I've grown here, that's the hard bit, and the stuff I've accumulated here, what to do with that, I should be like Doctor Who or some other adventurer and travel in the same set of clothes all the time while not becoming smelly and dirty, but no, it's impossible.
This has got another air of nostalgia about it, I was trying to avoid it, so I might have to write about some more contemporary issues. It can be noted that I've heard pert near nothing from my family since I came back to Japan, not sure if that's a good sign or bad, only a squeak from my brother via messenger. Then again there are hundreds of people I haven't emailed, I suck at it, I always have. I went on a roller coaster last week, that's funny, I wonder what aliens must think when they look at that, "what the hell are these creatures doing? Paying to get on a capsule and scare the shit out of themselves?", which is what I did, then I did it two more times, the middle was the worst, I was freaking out on the way up, I can't help but scream on the 80 degree drop down, but it's over in 45 seconds, better than the one I went on in Yokohama in January. The last ride was kind of like going to the dentist, I knew it was a slight bit of pain I had to endure, but I would feel better for doing it, luckily the freefall was closed for repairs coz I truly hate those things. But what do I know about going to the dentist, I have a mouth full of holes, I had my wisdom teeth out a few years ago. That was kind of painful, even though I had anesthetic, it doesn't prevent you feeling the pressure run through the jaw as the dentist removes the teeth in a similar fashion to pulling out nails with a hammer. After I bled all night, waking up periodically to spit out the blood which had gathered in my mouth and hardened to a jelly like consistency. The bleeding continued the next day until I managed to contain it by biting hard on cotton wool balls for a few hours. The following days were also quite painful due to the exposed nerve, or whatever it was that I became of it, I took shitloads of painkillers, but it hurt like hell. I thought it was all part of the process until I rang the dentist back to find out when it would end and was told to come in, and he cured the pain instantly using cloves. Man. Well that's another tangent. Most of the other rides at the park were pretty mediocre, except of course the U-shaped hanging thing, where you go back and forth, not a good description. You sit in a seat with your legs hanging, and it goes forwards and backwards, gaining height on the vertical like a skateboarder on a ramp, but on the way back you freefall for a few seconds before the harness pulls you back into your seat. Kind of strange feeling, it's worse if you sit at the back, because you get more falling time going forwards, and it's not so nice to be looking at the ground as you fly straight towards it, better falling backwards without a clue. But now it's time for bed.